The Most Annoying Woman in the Seireitei
by Geishaaa
Summary: Rukia Kuchiki was - without a sliver of a doubt - the most annoying person Toshiro had ever met, and that was saying something considering he had Rangiku Matsumoto for a lieutenant.


**HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVOURITE GALPAL, LETHANWOLF!**

**This FRIENDS (s9, ep12) inspired fic is for you, Bub. I love you and I hope you like it!**

…

The Most Annoying Woman in the Seireitei

Rukia Kuchiki was - without a sliver of a doubt - the most _annoying_ person Toshiro had ever met, and that was saying something considering he had Rangiku Matsumoto for a lieutenant.

"I would have thought," Toshiro gritted out as he moved around the office coffee table, wiping off the crumbs and condensation rings, "that a Kuchiki would have been raised with more manners."

He had provided plates and coasters, for goodness sake!

It was all Kyoraku's fault.

Actually, it was Byakuya's fault if Toshiro backtracked enough. The head of the Kuchiki clan was the reason she was here after all, like here in the Seireitei _here_. He had to marry her older sister, didn't he? The only time in his life that he broke noble tradition and it had to be for that. Then he went and adopted Rukia and now, half a century later, Toshiro was the one who was suffering the consequences of it.

Why? Because Rukia had been promoted to Squad Thirteen Captain following Ukitake's d-

Toshiro's cleaning stuttered for a moment before he swallowed and continued, wiping quicker now.

It was also Kyoraku's fault. He had chosen Rukia as the replacement and he had chosen Rukia to be Toshiro's partner on the Student Scholarships project. Now, because of that, Toshiro suffered Rukia's messy and unorganised presence daily.

She was like Rangiku - but sober. Somehow that was worse because Toshiro could always blame Rangiku's tardiness on her being either drunk or hungover (sometimes both simultaneously). Rukia was that sober - consciously late, knowingly untidy and deliberately laissez faire.

At least Rangiku cared about Toshiro as a person. Rukia on the other hand seemed determined to push every one of his buttons on purpose, seeing how close she could drive him to the point of a mental breakdown. She was a nightmare, truly.

And it didn't help Toshiro any that she was also drop dead gorgeous.

"Ichigo thinks you have Obsessive Computer Disorder," a teasing voice called and Toshiro knew instantly who it was. "That's a human illness, I believe. I think you're just uptight."

Gorgeous, but annoying as Hell.

With a suffering sigh, Toshiro straightened and turned towards the door. Rukia Kuchiki, the beautiful menace herself, was leaning against the door frame, hand on the hilt of her sword and a smug grin on her face.

"It's Obsessive _Compulsive_ Disorder," Toshiro informed her tonelessly, "and I don't have it."

"Computer sounds better," Rukia shrugged and waltzed in - uninvited - before making herself at home on his office couch, her socked feet coming to rest on the_ just cleaned_ coffee table. "It makes you seem like a robot."

"I am not a robot," Toshiro sighed, having heard the taunt many times in his life, "and I'm not uptight. Feet off the table."

Rukia snorted, but thankfully removed her feet, sitting up straight.

"Why are you here anyway?" Toshiro asked, not hiding his annoyance as he once again wiped the table over where her feet had been. "We're not due to meet again until tomorrow."

"Would you believe that I just want to spend my night off with you?"

"I would not."

"Yeah, it's a bit of a stretch," Rukia's lips twitched. "No, I just came because I had a couple of ideas for the presentation."

Toshiro whipped around, eyes wide.

"Kuchiki, our presentation is tomorrow-"

"That _is_ what I just said."

"We can't be putting new content in now."

"We can if it's better content."

"Is it better?"

Rukia shrugged. "It's a different approach."

Toshiro pinched his nose and breathed deeply, trying to calm himself the way Rangiku had taught him.

Rukia Kuchiki was intelligent, Toshiro would gladly admit that, not to mention she knew the noble clans like the back of her hand, but she was erratic and indecisive. Her ideas were good, but numerous since she could never seem to commit to one fully.

"Kuchiki," Toshiro exhaled, "we are not changing the presentation. It is strong. It is solid. More importantly, it is _tomorrow._"

Tomorrow he and Rukia were supposed to be sitting down with the head of each noble clan to pitch the idea of a Student Scholarship Program at the Spiritual Arts Academy. In the last decade, two major wars had hit the Thirteen Court Guard Squads hard and as a result, Soul Reaper numbers were down drastically, partially due to the devastating number of deaths, and those who quickly went into retirement, either due to permanent injury, mental recuperation or simply to live out the rest of their lives in peace. Regardless, soldier numbers had almost halved and that left the entire Soul Society, not to mention souls in the Living World, completely vulnerable. The solution - they needed more recruits. The problem - the Seireitei couldn't afford the Academy tuition for the numbers required since they had poured most of their money into soldiers' funerals, repairing the city and essential upgrades to the hospital. That's where the noble clans came into play - they had money and the Spiritual Arts Academy needed it.

Toshiro and Rukia's presentation was to convince the noble clan leaders to pledge their money into a Scholarship Program that would allow souls to train and graduate as Soul Reapers in half the time than prior to the wars. If they all contributed, the Academy could deliver the five thousand new graduates to replace those lost in the wars in a decade. That, by Soul Society time standards, was an incredible turn around. It seemed so simple to Toshiro - it was a great idea and if he had the money, he'd fund it himself, no questions. The problem was Toshiro didn't have the money and therefore relied on the rich nobles who, believe it or not, don't actually want to pay for poor people to go to school.

That's why Rukia was put on the project - because she could see both sides of it. She was originally from Hanging Dog, arguably one of the poorest districts in the Rukongai, but now lived as the - adopted - younger sister of the leader of one of the four major clans. Toshiro was put on the project because he was intelligent, could rein in Rukia's constantly changing ideas and deliver a power presentation. He was also passionate about getting people, particularly children, out of poverty and into the academy which would feed them, clothe them and educate them, and as the Academy's most successful graduate finishing at the top of his class in one year and making it to the captaincy rank in less than two decades, he had a lot of sway there. He didn't have any sway with the nobles unfortunately, which again brought them back to Rukia.

"I just think the nobles might take to it better," Rukia explained with a shrug, leaning back against the couch and slumping a little. If Byakuya were here, he'd reprimand her and Toshiro wouldn't stop him.

Toshiro stared at her. He could not believe this - he could not believe _her._ Changing the presentation last minute? That would be a _disaster!_ It would be _catastrophic! _How could _she think-_

Suddenly Rukia burst out laughing.

"Holy shit, you should see your face," she wheezed and Toshiro clenched his jaw, breathing through gritted teeth. "There is literally steam coming from your ears!"

"You should not swear in front of a captain," Toshiro gritted, ignoring the fact they were the same rank for a moment. "And you mean 'figuratively'; steam could not_ literally _come out of my ears,"

"Nope, I'm sure I mean 'literally'," Rukia continued to laugh.

She was laughing so hard she was doubled over and clutching her stomach, tears spilling from her eyes.

So it was a joke. She came to his office, the night before their crucial presentation, to play a practical joke on him. Great._ Fabulous._

Had he mentioned how annoying she was?

"Get out of my office," Toshiro ordered, deadpan.

"You _are_ a robot," Rukia laughed harder, before suddenly her voice went deep, yet distinctly mechanical. "'Get out of my office'."

"Imitating me?" Toshiro scoffed. "How mature."

"Your face is bright red," Rukia heaved, her face just as red with laughter.

Toshiro huffed and stormed off, though he only went as far as his desk. He sat with another huff and immediately picked up the first form on his desk and scribbled his signature across it so aggressively the pen went through the paper.

"Aw, you mad?" Rukia giggled.

"Show yourself out." Toshiro grunted, not looking back up at her.

Another devious cackle was heard before Toshiro finally heard her stand, the creaky floor board groaning beneath her feet.

She was finally leaving,_ thank the gods-_

"You know what, Tosh?" Rukia called from the door, her voice annoyingly sing-song.

_So close._

"It's Hitsugaya," Toshiro correct quickly. She didn't have to call him 'Captain' since they were the same rank but that didn't excuse her using his first name, especially not a nickname of all things.

Though, he would grudgingly admit, 'Tosh' sound far better than 'Shiro' which Momo still used despite him constantly telling her not to.

"Tosh," Rukia repeated defiantly, and when he glared up at her, she was grinning widely. "You look so sexy when you glare."

Toshiro pegged his pen at her - though deliberately aimed a foot above her head. Still she ducked and ran from the room in a fresh fit of giggles.

Now _that_ was crossing a line.

…

"_Captain" _

"No."

"You haven't even heard what I have to say yet."

"I don't need to."

Rangiku made a whining sound before her breasts were suddenly in Toshiro's face and he was forced to sit back and look up into her eyes.

"It's your birthday tomorrow," she pouted, big puppy eyes pleading. "The big one-five-oh, let's celebrate!"

"Matsumoto," Toshiro huffed, snapping his book shut with a definite clap. "You don't need a reason to get drunk so don't bring me into your madness."

"It's not about getting drunk," Rangiku groaned before she all but fell across his lap and the armchair he was sitting in.

He had decided to have a quiet night in, not that he often went out further than his own office, and was catching up on some reading at home, grateful to have a night off after the last few weeks in the office of late nights working on his and Rukia's presentation. He had thought - hoped, really - that Rangiku too was in for the night, after she had returned from her Lieutenants' Meeting _'sooo exhausted, Captain_' and in desperate need of a 'cat nap'.

Alas, she had resurfaced with a second wind, one that had blown right into Toshiro's quarters and disrupted his peace.

Ignoring her antics, Toshiro lifted his book out from where it had been squished between them. He readjusted his position and continued to read, elbows resting casually on Rangiku's back.

"You haven't had a birthday party in such a long time," Rangiku complained. "Let me throw you one."

Rangiku had thrown him a total of three birthday parties in his decades long-career. All of them had been disasters.

The first one was in his first couple of years of joining the squad. No one in the squad liked him so no one had shown up. Well no one except for their captain Isshin of course. Toshiro had expected that, but Rangiku got drunk and cried.

After that, his birthday just became a private dinner with Rangiku and Isshin, until suddenly there was no Isshin anymore. The second party Rangiku had thrown for Toshiro was not long after Isshin had gone missing. She had tried to cheer him up and this time they had a great turn out, but Isshin wasn't there so this time Toshiro got drunk and cried.

The third one was the year before the Ryoka invasion by Ichigo Kurosaki and his friends. The party had been altogether fine on the night, but Aizen had been there as Toshiro's friend, had even given Toshiro a wonderful book as a gift. That memory too was now tainted. Nobody got drunk and cried that night, but when Toshiro thought about it, he wanted to.

"Granny wants to come," Rangiku added quickly, realising she was being ignored. "She's going to bring her famous amanatto."

Toshiro paused in his reading. Granny. Amanatto.

Rangiku suddenly had his interest piqued.

"I haven't seen Granny in months," he frowned.

"I know," Rangiku's tone picked up, seemingly sensing she had struck gold. "Not since Momo's birthday in June."

And that hadn't been the smoothest of evenings. Things between him and Momo were tense, had been since the Ryoka Invasion. Even after everything Aizen had done to the Seireitei, to_ them,_ Momo still held a torch for the captain she had admired her whole career. It hurt Toshiro almost as much Aizen's sword slashing through him in the Central Forty-Six chambers. Almost but not quite.

Exhaling slowly, Toshiro closed his book over again.

"Fine, you can throw me a birthday party-"

Rangiku began to squeal.

"-but only because I want to see Granny," Toshiro huffed. "Don't invite any weirdos."

"No weirdos," Rangiku confirmed, voice shrill with excitement as she finally slid off him and the armchair. "Just the squad, and Captain Kyoraku and Nanao, of course."

"Sure," Toshiro nodded, returning to his book.

In his peripheral vision, Rangiku was flying around the room madly, likely looking for a pen and some paper so she could start planning. Silently and without looking up from his book, he picked up the notepad and pen he kept on his armchair's side table and held it up. A moment later, Rangiku was barreling past and snatching from his grasp.

"We'll have to invite some of the SWA," she muttered to herself, though rather loudly. "They can sort out decorations and food. Of course, I'll have to invite Shuuhei and Izuru to sort out the booze. Nemu can build a speaker system for the music."

"I said 'no weirdos'," Toshiro complained, but he was ignored.

Rangiku suddenly gasped.

"I'll invite Ichigo and Orihime," she gushed. "They can bring their Living World music!"

Toshiro internalised the groan; he was regretting this already. He had hoped that maybe the late notice would have held back Rangiku's dramatics and toned down the party but it seemed to do very little. The party would be huge apparently. The white haired captain just hoped he could hide away in a corner with Granny and that would be it for him.

"Oh my gosh, Captain," Rangiku exclaimed suddenly. "I'm going to make you a cake and put a hundred and fifty candles on it. I can light it with my Haineko to save time."

"And undoubtedly, I'll have to put out the resulting inferno with Hyorinmaru," Toshiro used a warning tone.

He wanted neither a fire to break out in his division barracks, nor a cake from Rangiku. He'd had her cooking and it was not good.

"Maybe Orihime can help me bake it," Rangiku tapped the pen thoughtfully against her lip, ignoring Toshiro's words and tone.

Toshiro groaned, this time out loud; Orihime was even worse than Rangiku in the kitchen!

"Hey Captain," Rangiku said suddenly, her face now right in Toshiro's personal space causing the captain to lean as far back as he could in his reading chair. Rangiku's face followed him, keeping the distance minimal. "Should I invite Rukia to your party?"

"No," Toshiro answered promptly, voice firm.

"Still not getting along then, huh?"

"She infuriates me."

"I bet she does," Rangiku's lips twisted in an awful smirk.

"Do not invite her, Matsumoto," Toshiro said sternly, voice and expression leaving no room for argument.

"Okay, okay," Rangiku chuckled, hands raised in defense as she leaned away from him finally, "but you let me know if you change your mind."

"Sure," Toshiro rolled his eyes. Sometimes it was just easier to agree with her.

Between tomorrow's presentation to the noble clans - in which he was to spend the majority of his day with the infuriating Kuchiki woman - and the birthday extravaganza that Rangiku was planning, it seemed that tomorrow was going to be Hell from start to finish.

...

The meeting with the nobles went well, at least Toshiro thought so. He may have - at one point - wanted to smack one of the clan leaders over the back of the head for being an obnoxious twat- … But luckily, Rukia had charmed him well enough with grace Toshiro hadn't seen from her before. It also helped that some of the clan leaders included Soul Reaper Captains, Byakuya Kuchiki and Shunsui Kyoraku, who understood the desperate need to recruit. Toshiro's powerful statistics and research in the presentation also made it pretty hard for the clans to refute their argument.

It was done now anyway, and the nobles were to go away and decide, and return at the start of the next week with their decision.

"Nailed it," Rukia smirked as they left the Division One barracks where the meeting had been held. "Give me five, Tosh!"

"It's Hitsugaya," Toshiro reminded her as his frown dipped. "Five what?"

"High five," Rukia held the palm of her hand up.

Toshiro frowned deeper as he looked up at it in confusion, his arms crossing over his chest automatically.

He waited several beats for her to explain herself, but she seemed to be waiting the same amount of time for him to do whatever it was he was supposed to do when she said 'give me five'.

After a moment, she gave up, hand dropping, eyes rolling and shoulders sagging a little.

"You're not very fun, are you?" she asked, exasperated tone.

Toshiro didn't dignify that with a response, instead turning on his heal and marching off in the direction of his barracks. He noticed that when they reached the point where Rukia should have broken off and headed in the direction of her own barracks, she instead continued on his path to the Tenth.

Toshiro huffed, his warm breath coming out in a cloud in the piercing cold air.

Thank goodness it was winter. The frigid cold and wind that pierced through bones was unbelievably calming to him. Had it been summer, and he had been battling the sticky Seireitei heat where the breeze was dead and the sun unrelentingly hot, Toshiro would have snapped weeks ago. His temper always worsened in the heat.

"Do you have any food at your division?" Rukia asked, catching up and falling into step beside him. "I'm starving."

Suddenly the image of more crumbs on his coffee table and office carpet had Toshiro shuddering.

"No," he said quickly. "Go home."

"Are you just scared that I'm going to make a mess?" Rukia chuckled.

"Terrified," Toshiro responded with his standard deadpan delivery.

"What if I eat over the sink?"

"Then you will make a mess of my sink."

Rukia shrugged. "Got to be better than your carpet."

"What would be better is you getting all the food into your mouth in the first place," Toshiro chided, quickly feeling himself become more and more irritated. "What would be even better is you eating in your own division."

Rukia was silent for a beat and Toshiro thought maybe she was thoughtful - or hurt - but it didn't last long, unfortunately.

"Nah," she laughed. "Annoying you is way more fun."

"You come just to annoy me?"

"It's like dinner and a show."

Toshiro clenched his jaw; Rukia Kuchiki was insufferable-

"Ah there he goes," Rukia giggled. "The jaw clench."

"Go home," Toshiro repeated as finally the safe haven of the Tenth Division barracks came into view, her flags flown high above the buildings in pride.

Not easily perturbed it seemed, Rukia just chuckled again, neither her pace nor direction changing.

They entered the division and Toshiro's squad members parted to let them through quickly, bowing low as they passed. Whether it was Rukia's presence or them sensing his mood, but Toshiro was glad for their polite, prompt and most importantly, quiet actions.

"They're so well behaved," Rukia commented lowly as they passed through.

"It's called discipline," Toshiro muttered. "You might want to try it."

He honestly didn't know how her squad behaved, but he knew well enough how she did, particularly while dining, so he didn't hold much hope for those who served under her. Toshiro himself ran a very tight ship, but despite of that stern approach, his squad still respected him and, if Rangiku was right at all, they loved him for it.

'_You're like the Strict Dad,'_ his lieutenant would say. _'No, you're like Professor McGonagall!'_

Toshiro had no idea who that was, but apparently it was a good comparison.

Rukia ignored his little jibe.

They reached the office, and much like Rangiku would, Rukia moved straight to the couch, kicking off her shoes as she went, before flopping down onto the cushions. It was almost uncanny the similarities between them sometimes, but thankfully Rukia didn't have the breasts to suffocate him with.

"Shouldn't you be running drills,_ Lieutenant Matsumoto_," Toshiro murmured sarcastically.

"You know," Rukia clicked her tongue loudly as she made zero effort to make herself less comfortable, in fact she seemed to relax more into the couch cushions, "you really shouldn't mumble. People will think you've gone mad."

"I'm getting that way," Toshiro muttered before he turned and moved towards his desk.

If he was a good host, he'd get Rukia a tea, or at least some water, maybe a biscuit or two.

Thankfully, he wasn't a good host.

Or least, he wasn't in the mood to be right now.

He hoped (read: pleaded with all the Gods he knew) that by giving off a standoffish vibe and being a rather unaccommodating host, Rukia would grow bored, or maybe as annoyed as him (though he doubted that was possible) and leave.

He managed to get halfway through reading the first report on his desk before she sighed and sat up, groaning happily as she stretched her back. Toshiro found his eye twitching when she suddenly started cracking all her bones, a sound which always made him feel uncomfortable.

He made it through her cracking all ten of her knuckles, her spine and her shoulders, but he cracked (no pun intended) when she got to her neck.

"Rukia!" Toshiro snapped loudly.

"Sorry," the raven haired captain smirked, not looking apologetic at all. In fact, she was grinning, "That's the first time you've used my first name."

Toshiro huffed and returned to his paperwork. He hadn't been thinking at all when he said her first name instead of her family name, but in his defense, it just seemed way too out of place for a man like him to be screaming the Kuchiki name out loud. The name was far too... proper? It just didn't sound right.

"You are a pain in my ass, Kuchiki," Toshiro gritted his teeth.

Rukia smirked and giggled and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'I wish you were a pain in my ass.'

There was definitely a sexual innuendo to it which Toshiro clenched his jaw and ignored.

It was hard being sexually attracted to the most annoying woman in the Seireitei. Now he understood how Rangiku's various suitors must have felt over the years.

"I'm not feeding you," Toshiro huffed. "There is no reason to stay."

"Oh I disagree," Rukia grinned. "There are plenty of reasons to stay."

"Such as?"

"Annoying you, hopefully to the point when the little vein on your forehead pops."

"I'm glad that my distress is so amusing to you."

"Yes, it's very attractive," Rukia giggled. "I find it especially hot when your eye begins to twitch uncontrollably."

Toshiro's face heated uncomfortably. He hated this - hated being tormented, especially by someone he was attracted to, especially when that someone was not the least bit attracted to him, especially when that someone made comments suggesting they were attracted to him even though they weren't, they were just trying to be funny.

"Oh the red face!" Rukia exclaimed suddenly, leaning over the back of the couch to look at him, eyes wide with excitement and glee. "My favourite part is when your face goes red, like a tomato... Or Renji's hair."

"What is it going to take to take to get you to leave my office," Toshiro huffed, very quickly reaching boiling point.

The last thing he needed was to be compared to a common fruit or Rukia's tall, muscular friend.

"Well you could try this crazy new thing," Rukia rolled her eyes dramatically. "It's called 'Being Nice'."

Well and truly on his way to a stress-related breakdown or aneurysm, Toshiro pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled forcefully. He was too furious and downright horny to be nice.

Then again… _if it got her to leave_…

Straightening suddenly, Toshiro looked back up at Rukia, forcing his lips into a tight - totally false - smile. Slowly, he stood from his chair.

"Shit, that's terrifying," Rukia chuckled weakly, a slight frown forming on her annoyingly exquisite features.

"Captain Kuchiki, it's so lovely to have you here," Toshiro said sweetly, his voice going a little higher than his normal monotone drawl, "but as much as I personally love having you, I'm actually rather busy at the moment and would really appreciate some privacy to focus on my work."

"That's kind of creepy," Rukia commented dryly, looking equal parts entertained and confused, and just a little bit scared. She shivered violently and stood abruptly. "Yeah, I think I'm gonna go."

Toshiro's smile then grew to the point his cheeks were beginning to ache, and even though it was still forced, it was with much more motivation on his part. It worked, Rukia was leaving and-

"_Captain."_

Toshiro's eye twitched as the deceptively sweet voice sung from the hallway and skipping footsteps grew louder. Just when he was about to get rid of one pest...

"Captain," Rangiku swung around the door and into the office, her arms full of shopping bags and her smile even wilder than Toshiro's fake 'creepy' smile.

"Matsumoto," Toshiro's 'nice' facade dropped. "You're supposed to be leading drills this afternoon."

"Oh no, Captain, I couldn't possibly today," she pouted, putting down all her bags. "I had to go shopping for tonight. I got Saito to lead the drills."

"You mean our unseated officer Saito," Toshiro's eyes went wide and he moved around the front of his desk, "who is definitely not qualified to lead drills yet?"

"He's got to learn," Rangiku shrugged. "I believe in 'on the job training'."

"You believe in delegating all your tasks so you can have the day off, you mean," Toshiro muttered.

Rangiku's hearing was impaired when it was convenient to her, such as now as she pretended not to hear him.

"Told you not mumble," Rukia sniggered to herself, and Toshiro decided to use Rangiku's method of ignoring her by pretending he hadn't heard her perfectly audible words.

Unfortunately for him, Rangiku's hearing seemed to be perfectly fine again as she looked up at Rukia's words and broke into a huge, genuine smile.

"Hello Rukia," Rangiku greeted, "I wasn't expecting to see you here today."

"Well we had a successful meeting with the nobles today," Rukia smiled back at Rangiku. "Tosh invited me back to celebrate a little."

"It's Hitsu-"

"_Tosh-" _Rangiku began to swoon.

"-gaya."

"-wanted to _celebrate_ with_ you?!_"

Rangiku's eyes widened and so did her grin. Toshiro shot her a warning glare; he had known her long enough to know that her emphasised words were sexually implicit. The last thing he needed her to know about was his deeply seeded sexual attraction to the other woman in the room.

He jumped back in quickly, his 'nice' facade rebuilding in an instant.

"Yes well, that was before I saw my lieutenant's stack of overdue paperwork," he smiled sweetly at Rangiku. "Rukia has been so kind as postpone our uh, _celebration_ … to a more convenient time so I may focus on the paperwork."

"Oh?" Rangiku glanced at him curiously, though her curiosity was clearly not in regards to the stack of overdue paperwork that was most definitely hers.

"Yes, I am disappointed but I understand a captain's responsibility," Rukia smiled, just as sweetly, just as falsely. "I hope that we can reschedule, Hitsugaya?"

"Of course, I'd love to," Toshiro's eyes stung with the pain of his forced grin. "I can't wait."

Rukia now looked to be entirely entertained by his fake friendliness. Rangiku, on the other hand, seemed completely oblivious to the fact that this was all a ruse to get rid of the Kuchiki woman. At least that's what Toshiro had to assume because the only other logical reason for Rangiku's next words were that she must have had a brain tumor and was beginning to act erratically.

"Well Rukia, we're having a bit of a birthday party for Captain Hitsugaya tonight," Rangiku turned to Rukia with hopeful eyes. "You should come!"

Toshiro's smile fell off his face and now he was definitely having that aneurysm.

"Oh I didn't know it was your birthday?" Rukia turned to Toshiro, satisfaction on her face that seemed to spell only bad news.

"Good," Toshiro answered tonelessly, to which Rukia giggled like he had told some kind of joke.

She turned back to Rangiku and smiled appreciatively.

"Yes, I'd love to come," she told the strawberry blonde with delight, voice and smile menacing. "I can't wait to celebrate with the birthday boy."

Toshiro wanted to die, or maybe just gag.

"Oh this is so great!" Rangiku clapped her hands together in excitement. "It starts here at seven."

"I'll be there," Rukia smirked as she turned back to Toshiro. "I better go so you can get your paperwork out of the way. Wouldn't want the guest of honour to be stressed at his own birthday party."

The noblewoman bowed quickly and swept from the room, before Toshiro even had a moment to process what was happening let alone rescind his lieutenant's invitation to her.

"I'm so excited that she's coming," Rangiku gushed, pulling out some brightly coloured streamer rolls from one of her shopping bags. "I'm glad you two are finally getting along-"

"Are you mad?" Toshiro exploded, his thoughts finally catching up with his brain. "Why did you invite her?!"

"What?" Rangiku turned to him with a frown, obviously confused. "You were being so nice to her?"

"I was faking it!" Toshiro hissed. "I was getting her to leave."

"But you invited her here to celebrate?" Rangiku frowned deeper, her tone sad and disbelieving, identical to the one when her favourite girls get eliminated from those dumb Living World reality dating shows she liked.

"I did not," Toshiro rebutted instantly. "She made that up."

"Why would she make that up?"

"To be annoying like she always is."

Rangiku's frown turned into a barely concealed smile as she appeared to stifle a giggle.

"What's so funny?" Toshiro snapped, eyes getting impossibly wide. Why wasn't Rangiku taking this seriously?!

Rangiku's body was shaking with suppressed giggles and he had to physically cover her mouth with her hand. Toshiro crossed his arms impatiently - it was one thing to be laughed at by another captain, but it was another thing entirely to be laughed at by his own lieutenant.

"Oh Captain," Rangiku giggled. "She's teasing you."

'Teasing' seemed a bit childish but yes, that much was obvious to Toshiro.

"What is your point, Matsumoto?" Toshiro huffed.

"She's teasing you because she likes you," Rangiku smiled, tilting her head. "She's always here because she has feelings for you! Is it obvious?"

Oh great, now even Rangiku was here to tease him.

"Of course it's obvious," Toshiro choked. "Obvious that you've hit your head, Matsumoto. I haven't got time for your foolishness right now."

"No, Captain" Rangiku sighed in exasperation. "I'm being serious. Some people show their attraction to someone by annoying and teasing them. It's a playground tactic that kids use as well."

"That doesn't make any sense!" Toshiro argued.

Rukia having feelings for him was the most laughable concept he'd ever heard. She didn't even like him as a person, let alone as a romantic interest. Sure, she spent a lot of time with him but that was for work, and she used every available minute of that time to give him a hard time just to remind him that she didn't like him.

"It does make sense," Rangiku counter-argued. "When you tease and annoy someone you get on their nerves. When you get on someone's nerves, it's all they can think about, all they can talk about, that's why we haven't had a conversation in the past three weeks that you haven't brought up Rukia's name."

Rangiku sent him a pointed look and Toshiro's lips parted, though no sound seemed to follow. He frowned; had he been complaining about her that much?

"Furthermore," Rangiku clicked her tongue and crossed her arms, straightening like she did when she went into 'big sister' mode, "you wouldn't get so worked up about it if you didn't like her back. You wouldn't even care if you didn't."

"Wouldn't care?" Toshiro took offence. "Matsumoto, I have been made fun of for most of my life."

"Yeah you have," Rangiku agreed, "and I have seen you ignore it for years, always being the stronger and better person, but not this time. This time, Rukia is under your skin and it's driving you crazy."

Toshiro scoffed and huffed, though he was now retort-less. Rangiku made her points and to her credit, they were hard to argue against, but it was still all madness. Rukia didn't like him and that was that. End of Story. Goodbye.

Rangiku's smirk grew a little, sensing she had won this round.

"Get out, I need to concentrate," Toshiro muttered, moving back around his desk. "Unless you actually plan to do your job today, Matsumoto?"

"I will be doing my job," Rangiku chuckled picking up her shopping bags in what was a clear message that she was leaving, not staying to do her paperwork. "I will be looking after my captain's morale by throwing him a fun birthday party."

"Right," Toshiro scoffed.

"And maybe while I'm gone," Rangiku said pointedly, "you can think about why Rukia jumped at the opportunity to come to your birthday party if, as you say, she doesn't like you."

With that his busty lieutenant swept from the room, the smell of her perfume lingering in the air and her words lingering in Toshiro's mind.

…

The party, by previous standards, was one of Rangiku's better attempts at celebrating his birthday. No one cried, though several got drunk, and as far as Toshiro knew, none of the guests were secretly planning to betray him and launch an all-out war against the Seireitei anytime soon. It had been Living World-themed, of course, so many were glad to be out of their various traditional wear and into some modern clothing.

Courtesy of Rangiku, Toshiro was sporting tight black jeans and a faded blue button up shirt. She had rolled his sleeves to just below his elbow and told him - quote - 'it's essential to your look tonight, Captain'. She herself was a long sleeve midriff top and tight, short, pencil skirt. Toshiro knew she was going to freeze outside in the quad in late December, and true to that, she had stolen his jacket - that he was told to carry but not wear - about fifteen minutes into the party.

Seeing Granny was the highlight of course, and thankfully Momo was distracted by Rangiku and Orihime that Toshiro got the old woman to himself for most of the evening. She was old and frail, having lost all of her teeth now and speaking very little but she still smiled and patted Toshiro's hand when he told her all about the Squad and Rangiku's antics. He had set up a room for her in the guest lodges, which by all accounts were nicer than his own quarters, and had walked her back there sometime after nine.

Returning to the party, Toshiro sighed seeing their new Head Captain passed out on the ground, his lieutenant at her wits end trying to lift him. Orihime and Momo were giggling in the corner, while Ichigo was tagging on like a third wheel who clearly wanted to speak to Orihime alone. Shuuhei and Izuru were singing loudly, swaying side to side and spilling most of their drinks. Rangiku was dancing by herself in the middle of the quad, unfazed that she was alone. Various squad members still milled around, some chatting in small groups, others kindly starting the clean-up process. It seemed the party was wrapping up.

Toshiro sighed and leaned his elbows on the railing as he looked down on the scene below. He didn't mind that the party was unwinding it early; he wasn't a big party goer normally, and he was happy to quit while he was ahead, but…

But he was disappointed that Rukia hadn't showed up. Truth be told, she had gotten into his head and unfortunately, so had Rangiku. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about what Rangiku had said that afternoon.

Why would Rukia have jumped at the chance to come to his birthday party?

She wasn't a big drinker or partier that he was aware of, she didn't know or even ask who was coming and likely wouldn't have expected her friends Ichigo and Orihime to have come all the way from the Living World for him. Surely she had better food at the Kuchiki Manor? It didn't make sense. Unless, of course, Rangiku was right.

Now that definitely didn't make sense - for a lot of reasons.

"Did you have a good night, Captain?" Rangiku asked, suddenly flash-stepping to his side, drink in hand and a slice of - disgusting - cake in the other.

"One of your best, Matsumoto," Toshiro hummed dryly.

They watched in silence for a few beats. Down below, Orihime and Momo had stood and were walking off into the shadows, Ichigo trailing behind like a puppy dog. A few of Squad Ten's more muscled soldiers were helping Nanao lift and carry off Kyoraku.

"Finishing kind of early," Rangiku commented with a shrug. "But I've convinced a few others to come up to the nightclub district after. Do you want to come?"

"I do not," Toshiro chuckled. "You go and have fun. Please stay safe."

"Unlikely," Rangiku smirked. "Are you sure you had a good night?"

"I did, Rangiku," Toshiro smiled. "Thank you."

"At least that horrible Rukia didn't show up?" Rangiku poked his side, sloshing her drink as she did so, and smirking in obvious teasing.

"Yeah, it's a miracle," Toshiro rolled his eyes; in truth, he was a little sad.

"Yeah, thank the gods," another voice chimed in from behind him, close enough that Rangiku had definitely seen her coming. "I hate her."

Toshiro whipped around quickly. Rukia stood before him smirking in a tight burgundy top that hugged her figure tightly, a dark denim skirt that buttoned at the front, dark though definitely not opaque tights and knee high boots. Oh, this was not good for Toshiro's dreams. Even the long grey coat that hung over her shoulders was fitted to highlight the slender curve of her body.

"I-I-" Toshiro began, stammering, and turning quickly to Rangiku in hope she would save him.

She vanished, of course she had. Trust her to put him in the most difficult situation possible and then leave him to handle it alone.

"You're late," he managed eventually.

'_You're late?'_ \- was he serious? That made it seem like he wanted her there! Well, he did, but that was beside the point. She wasn't supposed to know that, and he definitely wasn't supposed to want her there. She was late, and that should have reminded him of her tardiness which he definitely did not find sexy.

"Sorry," she shrugged, uncaring before she turned to the quad. "Fun party."

Toshiro glanced down to the now pretty much empty quad. It seemed Rangiku had managed to quickly and quietly steal the last few people away on her nightclub excursion.

"Well it was," he frowned, "and you would have seen it if you hadn't arrived at… _nine-thirty._"

He had checked his watch (his birthday present from Rangiku) with a sigh. Gods he was lame.

A hundred and fifty and in what was supposed to be the prime of his afterlife, but he was ready for bed before ten on a Friday night, even on his own birthday.

Rukia chuckled.

"Byakuya shut down my birthday party last year at eight," Rukia commented. "Mind you, it was because Renji threw up on his shoes, but still."

Toshiro couldn't help but laugh at that image.

"Look," Rukia sighed, and suddenly pulled out a wrapped package from her oversized coat pocket. "I'll just give you this and go."

She handed him the package and Toshiro glanced down at it with a small frown. It was soft and wrapped in a snowflake patterned tissue paper, and held together with a turquoise ribbon tied off in a nice bow.

"You brought me a present?" Toshiro glanced up at Rukia, her violet eyes still bright despite the dark shadows they were standing in. "Why?"

"Let me explain to you how birthday parties normally work," Rukia smirked and Toshiro rolled his eyes at her condescending tone. "There are presents, a cake, perhaps a third or fourth person."

Toshiro huffed and Rukia giggled.

"Okay, okay," she sighed happily. "Listen, I got the present for you to make up for pushing your buttons the past few weeks, I can't say it wasn't fun though."

Toshiro glanced up at her again, searching her eyes for a moment. Was giving him a present to make up for annoying him a point for or against Rangiku's argument? Giving someone a gift was more in line with what Toshiro thought showing feelings for someone would look like.

"Oh okay," Toshiro hesitated, looking back down at the present. He was so unsure of everything again. "That's um… very nice of you."

He turned the package over and noticed the little folded card hanging off the bow.

"You even wrote me card," he commented, tone happier. Cards were often more personal that the gift itself. Curious, and just a little bit excited, Toshiro opened the card and read her _oh-so deep_ message out loud. "'From Rukia'."

_Of course._

"And I really mean it," Rukia added, humour in her voice.

Toshiro threw her a half-hearted glare before he began unwrapping the present. A green fabric caught his eye and Toshiro pulled it out of the paper. It was a scarf, softer than a cloud and a dark green in colour, one that would perfectly match the inner lining of his captain's haori.

"Oh wow," Toshiro breathed, feeling the scarf between his fingers.

"Here, let me," Rukia stepped towards him and took the scarf from his hands.

Toshiro froze on the spot as Rukia began gently wrapping the article around his next, her cold fingers grazing his neck and collarbone as she adjusted it.

"It's getting colder now and I know how freezing it gets training with an ice-type zanpakuto every day," Rukia murmured as she explained her gift.

Toshiro listened, unbreathing as she continued to adjust the scarf around his neck. Eventually happy, she stepped back with a bit of a grin.

"Would you look at that," she smirked, sarcasm in her voice. "It's fits."

Toshiro shook his head with an involuntary chuckle. She was funny, he supposed, when it wasn't directed at making him annoyed.

"Why do you give me such a hard time?" he found himself asking before he could stop it.

He was curious. He wanted to know if Rangiku could be right. It scared him that he wanted her to be right - it was always a concern for him when she was.

The noblewoman seemed caught off guard.

"I'm not sure," she shrugged and looked decidedly at the empty quad below.

She knew why. Toshiro wasn't great a reading people or their emotions but he could tell she wasn't telling him the truth right now. She knew why she treated him the way she did, why she went out of her way to push his buttons knowing the response she would elicit from him. She knew why she enjoyed it.

Toshiro hesitated but after a moment, he decided to just say it.

"Matsumoto seems to think it's because you have feelings for me," he murmured quietly, also looking away.

"I do have feelings for you," Rukia turned back to him.

Toshiro's eyes snapped back to her, face heating.

"Y-you do?"

"Yeah," Rukia hummed. "I feel that you're very annoying."

Toshiro huffed and looked away, shaking his head. Just when he thought he was making progress with her. Just when he thought maybe they could have a relationship where he didn't dread her coming to visit and spend the whole time wishing she would leave.

"Of course," he muttered to himself, though she may have been able to hear it. "Just when I thought that maybe you liked me back-"

Toshiro was suddenly cut off.

Rukia was kissing him! Her lips were on his before Toshiro could even finish his thoughts.

Rukia and her satisfied smirk had grabbed him by his new scarf and stepped forward, pressing her body against his and then her lips were molding against his in one swift second. Toshiro's brain struggled to keep up and he pulled away from the kiss instantly, stepping back like he had been stung with a static shock.

She watched him carefully as Toshiro brought his fingers up to his burning lips, the shock blinding him for a moment. His eyes fell on Rukia's and a beat passed before he surged forward, back into her hold, and crushing their lips together madly.

It was fireworks, more so than any kiss Toshiro had ever had it.

It was electric and it pulsed through him as Rukia kissed him back fiercely. It was messy and ungraceful but it worked, oh it worked it so well. Toshiro was melting like his zanpakuto never could and Rukia seemed to be doing the same.

He bit her lip and she groaned, allowing his tongue into her mouth. She tasted minty, and it was equally tasty and burning, and Toshiro was desperate for more as his arms wound around her waist and pulled her impossibly close.

"You have no idea…" Rukia panted when they pulled apart for air, Toshiro's forehead resting on hers, "how long I've been waiting for you to do that."

Toshiro chuckle was broken by his own pants.

"You should have just said so," he murmured, pressed another kiss to her lips, "I would have kissed you weeks ago if I had known."

"Yeah, you're pretty oblivious," Rukia smirked and suddenly they were kissing heavily again before Toshiro could be offended by her words. In fact, it was probably him who had started the kissing back up, now knowing her jibes were aimed at getting into his pants more than they were designed to actually offend him.

Her hands slipped into his hair and Toshiro lifted her light body into his arms. Rukia tugged his hair harshly, forcing Toshiro's lips off hers and causing him to groan at the loss.

"Are you going to take me to bed?" Rukia asked breathlessly.

"Are you going to stop talking?" Toshiro threw back at her, his lips going for her throat instead.

"Are you going to make me?" Rukia asked, tilting her head to give him better access, the smirk evident in her voice.

Toshiro sunk his teeth into her neck, causing her to groan appreciatively.

She really was the most annoying woman in the Seireitei, but she was also the sexiest.

…

In the opposite corner of the quad, hidden by more dark shadows, Rangiku watched the scene unfolding through delighted eyes.

"Didn't I call it?" the strawberry blonde squealed as quietly as she could, though it was hard to contain the excitement she was feeling, and spilling a bit of her champagne in the process. "I knew all we needed to do to get them to hook up was throw him a birthday party."

Beside the lieutenant, an elderly woman smiled her toothless grin before she nodded her head back in the direction of her grandson. Rangiku turned to see her captain slipping off into the darkness with Rukia, heading in the direction of his quarters.

She smirked and held her champagne glass up to the woman beside her.

"To birthday parties," Rangiku offered, "and our favourite captain."

Granny smirked triumphantly before she clinked her own champagne glass to Rangiku's.

If Toshiro thought Rukia was the most annoying woman in the Seireitei, then he clearly hadn't accounted for his lieutenant and grandmother to be conspiring in the shadows.


End file.
